Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
