Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My vagina just clenched in fear
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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