i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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