I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize