i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
