Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
