I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
