is your mom at the bar?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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