I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
