I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
