I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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