I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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