i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
