I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
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