I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
