I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
