Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Everyone says I win the strip club
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize