Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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