I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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