id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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