and you said cock pushups were impossible
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
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