i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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