Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize