how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My vagina is officially offended.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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