and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
