I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
