I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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