home. puking in laundry basket.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
