did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Randomize
