I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
