They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
