if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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