toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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