she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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