I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
