I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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