Where did you get a picture of my penis
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
