I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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