There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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