I wish I could teleport
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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