Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
where are my eyebrows?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize