those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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