Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
