my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sacagawea was the original milf.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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