she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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