I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
