Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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