I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
