roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
