the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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