I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
