Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
