I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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