i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize