he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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