the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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