Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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