Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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